Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
whose ass print is on the piano?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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