Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
