I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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