Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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