Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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