Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
