my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
