Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
