You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I love having hate sex.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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