checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
