trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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