census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
