Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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