i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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