dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
