i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
