He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
