I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
