You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
