i permit you to call me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
