the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
