I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
