woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize