I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
