She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
