This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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