Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
