Will you blow on my dice?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
