You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
