I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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