The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
