she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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