Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
