Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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