i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
All the doctor said was why
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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