Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
