I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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