She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
