i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
