I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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