She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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