Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize