Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
