apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
