im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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