I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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