You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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