I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
