pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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