tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize