I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
