I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
