I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
farters have to be the big spoon...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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