I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm passing your future prison.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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