there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
