if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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