grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
