I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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