College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
