my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He better not be in your backpack
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
