That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
