Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
