If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
How does one acquire holy water?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
