I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
