just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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