Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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