if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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