you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i came on her dog
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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