Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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