I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
