he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
